Conscience of British lineage

These last few days have been a litany of ups and downs – a nicely drawn graph would display multiple mountains in a shockingly short span of time.. I feel like I’m going through a phase all over again.

There are too many things I feel that are at the bottom of this bagful of anchors that are weighing down my heart. Among them:

• Two days ago I took out my earring, found difficulty to put another one back on, and hours later my piercing closed by itself. T____T Talk about an amazing regenerative ability at the time I didn’t need it to happen. I actually got pretty down over this because this means the need to go through the piercing process all over again.. but I suppose I’ll just scoot over to a proper piercing parlour next time – when this piercing hole of mine heals nicely – and get it done with a needle instead of a fucked-up gun. This, despite the fact I used to be extremely phobic about needles.

• The future – it scares me so much now. I’m 2 years short of finally reaching the end of my college life where I would graduate and then the horror: start working. Time slips past me so fast I couldn’t even grip properly on it, couldn’t grip on this intangible flow with my two hands that time seems to be carrying me across its waves too fast. It’s already nearly the end of March goddammit.

  Each time we’re nearing the end of some phase, I’d feel a little insecure, a little afraid. There have been few common phases in our lives:

  • Baby – 0 to 6 years old – Little memories of what went on except snippets here and there.
  • Primary – 7 to 12 years old – Still a little vague, at least in my childhood I’ve had fun playing around as a kid. I remembered crying a lot and not wanting to go to school.
  • Secondary – 13 to 17 years old – Formative years that bring back pleasant and cringe-inducing memories. We were all working towards that one single goal – the SPM – and after finally triumphing over it, most of us, including yours truly, don’t know exactly what to pursue. Therein lies the uncertainty.
  • Tertiary – 18 to 22 years old – College life begins, a new phase. And currently at the centre of it all, this phase of mine is about to end soon in 2 years.
  • Working Adult – 23 to ?? years old – Working. I can imagine an office life of the dreaded 9 to 5, lesser time for yumcha, lesser time for playing games, lesser time for everything. The uncertainty beckons, and this scares me most of all.

This pic was snapped on Thursday night when Ding, Kai Tzin and I were out for yumcha – supposed to meet up Shawn, Andy, and RB, but well, ended up at Jon’s place instead. Ding’s slippers were also disintegrating and he had to walk barefoot on his left foot wtf.

Friday evening, watched The Water Horse with my mum and two younger brothers. Interesting fantasy set in Scotland – gotta like listening to the Scottish accent.

Saturday evening, watched L: Change the World with Wai Hong, Ding, and Andy – the movie was a little intriguing and sometimes funny for all the wrong reasons. Ate dinner with WH at McD’s Taipan.. which is also where we ended up discussing future possibilities that seem to be rather clouded and obscure – a mist of black, billowy smoke is preventing us from looking through our crystal balls.

There’s also something about my conscience, or rather that small voice in my head that talks to me, that I thought was rather funny – especially recently when I needed it more to sort things out. It nearly always speaks in a British accent, and most recently, Scottish, but never ever in our beloved Malaysian English.