Fuckafé

Dear motherfuckers beautiful readers of saigoheiki.com,

If you have been wondering where the fuck I went after posting that last snippit about me getting work finally, and thought I might be abducted by employers to sell me off to some live human trade (which, if you think it over carefully, isn’t quite profitable considering my horrible genes producing such an awesomely skinny body), you are probably just right.

NOW LET ME TELL YOU WHERE I ACTUALLY WENT TO.

I WAS STUCK WORKING AT THE STUPID BANDAR LAMA CAFE (name withheld to protect its identity, but if you’re too stupid to CHECK THE PREVIOUS ENTRY, THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM) FOR FIFTEEN FUCKING HOURS.

In case you skipped over the capitalised text that emphasises on me shouting (because, I intend to e-shout over the Net), here’s the numbers: 15 FUCKING HOURS OF WORKING NON-STOP WITH NO FUCKING BREAK AT ALL.

Please calm your nerves before you suffocate over your xi mut milk tea, in case you are shocked and outraged for me. Why, thank you. If you’re a fucking sadist who enjoys my tales of suffering and torture under the employment of this horrendous cafe, I don’t know what to say. Fuck you?

The Beautiful Adventures of Working at Bandar Lama Cafe for 15 Hours Non-Stop With No Official Break At All In Between: FIRST DAY

Please consider and count with your fingers the number of hours I worked, from 10am-1.30am. No that isn’t a typo, it’s am. A.m. Ante meridiem.

Please also try putting yourself in my trusty Nike shoes, which in the end gave me tons of leg aches. I walked, strided, jogged, NON-STOP, NO REST AT FUCKING ALL, for 15 hours.

In case you think they’re that cruel, why, they’re not really bad ya know. I have about 15 minutes of unofficial break for lunch time after they tapau-ed chicken rice from the nearest Chinese restaurant for every staff member. At 4pm. During off-peak hours. Yep, they are very kind indeed.

Did we have dinner? Why, not at all! Why don’t you fucking work yourself to death by not eating anything? Why don’t you not drink a single drop of water?

Both Adrian and I didn’t know (both of us worked at waiters, while Andy at the ‘bar’ section making drinks and toasts) at first, that you can curi minum. So yeah, we were so ruddily fucked. Until Esther and Heng came in with that life-saving 100 Plus 1.5litre bottle that we were rejuvenated. For a while.

Suet was true when she said working as a waiter is easy as you pass the time so quickly you don’t even realise it. I found it darned true, and, I was so fucking busy I didn’t even have the time to look at the fucking clock.

We also have a miserable locker half the size of my school bag that is supposed to be shared by Adrian, Andy, and I. Stupid, lol. And our lockers are situated at the washroom area. Haha.

Lunch hours and dinner time from 8-11pm are the hell periods. Horde of hungry/thirsty/curious humans who have never heard of this fuckafé come in to try.

Suffice to say we did piss off many customers for having to wait for shit loads of time for their meals.

I shall repeat. I don’t think I said it before anyway.

WE ARE UNDERSTAFFED.

No wonder they quickly hired us straightaway. Should’ve been suspicious. The 30-minutes break (which at first I thought was too short and shitty) they told us earlier at the interview turns out to be less then 15 minutes (which later I thought it was even shittier).

I thought about Esther working comfortably in her Pizza Uno, conversing comfortably in FUCKING ENGLISH for once, where I, THE BANANA, who can only speak a handful of Cantonese, have to entertain shitloads of Chinese-speaking customers.

Let’s just say I fucking hate Chinese grandmas and grandfathers and aunties.

At the end of the first day (I cycled to work), I went with Andy to the nearby mamak stall at Taipan to get a bite. I was so fucking hungry that the moment I start eating, I feel like vomitting.

Dehydration is too soft a word. Hyper-dehydration? Mega-super-ultra-fucktra-dehydration perhaps?

Please don’t mind me and my language, because I’m too tired to bother. Oh, tired’s too soft a word too.

I would’ve blogged at the end of my first day to relate the Shitty Tales of Working on the First Day but I reached home at 2am by cycling. My legs and waist and hips almost cramped on the way but I fucking persevered.

Even after taking a quick bath, I was so fucking tired I couldn’t sleep at all. Until 3.30am.

We had to sweep, mop, etc, and do everything else like the other staff members who all seemed like family.

Sorry for the un-chronological storytelling, but my head is tired and I’m feeling jumbled up. I met Wai Hong and Daniel coming in at about 11am for a job interview at the fuckafé, Esther and Heng for a bite while grinning/sneering at us, Kean Leong’s parents and sis (KL is supposedly studying at Taylor’s for aeronautical engineering), and finally Geok Leng’s parents and Wai Chun at night.

SECOND DAY OF WORKING FOR ALMOST 16 HOURS:

I dreaded waking up and working but I had to do so. On reaching at 9am (whee one hour earlier than before!) we were to move tables and chairs and fold tissue papers.

Oh, a little background on the fuckafé. There are three types of slaves workers there: waiters, bar workers (Andy’s an example) and kitchen workers.

Our second day (the fuckafé’s 3rd opening day) wasn’t as bad in the morning and afternoon due to less people coming in. I suspect it’s due to the long waiting period from the day (this lecturer from Taylor’s once said in the Hospitality talk that one unsatisfied customer will bring you even lesser customers, or sommat) before due to us being severely short-handed.

If you’re not getting the hint or too stupid to understand, please drown yourself in your nearby kolam najis. I am sarcastically suggesting all of you to spread bad rumours about this fuckafé so we have less customers to entertain and thus less work to do and consequentially we wouldn’t suffer so much Oops who said that?

Alright, to some credit, 2nd day wasn’t as bad because we finally got used to it - the walking, I mean. I finally understood the menu (there wasn’t any training at all like they said before, I had to ask, learn from other workers and observe myself) enough to not be the source of embarassment to this fuckafé. I also got clever enough to subtly insist on speaking English (with a mix of good-accented Cantonese) to the customers so that they’ll speak to me in return in their horrendous horrific Chinese-accented English.

Working as a waiter, obviously, you can’t help but stumble upon several terrible customers.

PISSING-OFF-A-CUSTOMER OF THE DAY:
After repeatedly telling this fucking fat Chinese auntie that her soup of excretement curry mee is still being made, she lost her cool and shouted, “DON’T GIVE ME THAT STUPID EXCUSE AGAIN.”

Feeling exhausted (it’s peak hour at night, remember?) with tons of fucking customers waiting for dear, ol’, English-speaking me, I threw the fucking bill on the table and politely and sarcastically said, “Sorry, then I don’t know what other excuse else to tell you?”

I ignored her shocked/pissed off look and refused to serve her and avoided her by not walking pass the land she walks on.

It was so fucking busy that after taking down one order, the next table I pass by will call me even though they already knew I’m doing SOMETHING ELSE (wtf, are you BLIND!?) and then the NEXT FUCKING TABLE WILL CALL ME AGAIN EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A TRAY FULL OF FUCKING PLATES AND CUPS. I remember I have to go through four tables one after another at one time.

...

To be honest, I was this close to quitting after ending my first day. But, to be honest again, if Adrian and Andy can still work, I’d look like some pansy after appearing not to be able to take it. I thought I’ll give the 2nd day another try.

Yeah, after getting used to it, it isn’t that bad after all. Apart from the horribly irregular eating hours.

Ate my lunch today at 4pm and dinner at 12am. ^_^

Now we knowlar can curi makan all. Curi makan what? Bread crumbs.

So pathetic hor. Worse than beggars, really.

I am probably appearing to be amplifying my apparent misery, but well. You probably haven’t worked 15 hours straight, have you? With no rest, except for the two measly breaks you take, each lasting about 20-30 minutes (it’s longer today!).

Jesus holyfucks.

Time for the next one!

WTF MOMENT OF THE DAY:
These two annoying brats aged about 6 years old were running around while their mother was shouting at them angrily. Pointing to me, she said, “Look at uncle, he angry already!”

...

THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR EYES?

EMBARASSING MOMENT OF THE DAY:
Juggling 6 glasses on my tray with two other curry bowls, I placed them on the counter table, asked Andy whether he needs me to fetch him back later (I didn’t cycle today to and fro, but asked my parents to fetch since I’m too tired to walk/cycle back), and at that exact moment, one glass slipped and.

BLIANGGG!

Shattered. Customers gasped. I can probably see my supervisor glaring at me from kilometres away. I stuck out my tongue.

What else to tell you all ah.

I have been typing since 1.30am after bathing and resting my legs for 10 minutes on the Ogawa Leg Massager (which barely helps). It’s 2.12am now as I type this.

Oh, Daniel just told me via MSN that he’s starting work with me (Wai Hong too!) tomorrow at 11am (I’m starting at 9am as usual). Thank my fucking lucky stars and gods and goddesses and deities of various incarnations because I contemplated stopping work early at 8pm tomorrow because my only teman, Adrian, is stopping at 6pm tomorrow due to church.

I stopped earlier today at 12.30am (more like 15 minutes late), because my dad has to sleep and he had to fetch me as well. When I left they baru saja wanna clean up the whole place, which, due to my experience yesterday, IS NOT FUCKING EASY.

Oh, I love the Myanmar dudes working there, especially the ones at the bar. They’re hilarious due to their inability in speaking English (have to converse in broken English and BM lah), and so very friendly. And kind. This dude, Jope (or however you spell it), sneaked my cold drinks after I requested it.

Have to pandai curi minum lar if not sure die wan. Bought 4 100 Plus bottles and they finished so quickly between the three of us, most of ‘em between me and Adrian.

I so missed going to the Internet you know. I took reading newspapers for granted, it all seems like a luxury now. And the first thing I do when I baru boleh pergi online is to blog. Heh.

We don’t really get tips. Those unwanted change (few cents, the most also RM1) that are left behind, we’ll put them into this box near the cashier and divide between all of us later.

Haiyo so sikit baik tak payah kan? But better than nothing lar.

Again I’d take photos but there isn’t time to do anything, even though today’s lunch time was not as worse as yesterday. Today’s dinner peak hours were the worst due to us being horrendously short-handed (four or five left because they’re not doing OT [overtime]), and in the end, our boss Mr Lee calls in these zillion of Chinese people in.

All of us hates the motherfucker because he was the one who refuses us to give us breaks and thinks we’re brilliantly fuctioning robots.

There’s this guy, James, who is really friendly (could be er, strict at times?) who kept cracking jokes even if he was fucking exhausted himself. He got transfered from some hotel line from before or sommat, from another branch of this fuckaf?.

Andy kept sweating since he works at the bar (the toaster/over shit is fucking hot) and his cap was soon swimming in sweat. Really, lol.

I think I’ll end this. Need to get my few hours of sleep. Yesterday I only had less than 5 before working for 16 hours non-stop with no official breaks (got lar at 4pm, but the one at 12am we curi-curi only because we were so fucking exhausted; we even ate our dinner even when the fucker boss is still around, and we weren’t supposed to be resting I think. heh).

At the end of the day, with all this malnutrition and horrible eating hours (the first day we weren’t provided dinner, and Adrian went home to sleep without eating wtf), I’d go skinnier than I was.

(I was told by my dad and Adrian that working for more than 12 hours [or 10 hours, according to Adrian] is against the Labour Law. Feel free to hire lawyers for yours truly for proper legal action. Kidding, in case you really do that and I lose my job and face.)

I sincerely hope that all of you currently enjoying your life without this fucking slavery a good day ^_^ Consider yourselves lucky! :)