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I sat on the banks of the flow of time, its incredibly calm waves – bordering on the unnatural – smoothly moving forwards in its own one way agenda. If one were to float atop it, you would be carried to the limitless horizon ad infinitum, and there would one stay until one decides to leave. I closed my eyes, and the only sounds I could hear were my own deep intake of breaths, and in the absolute silence, the slow huffs and puffs from my nose were magnified.

I felt the same dull pain in my chest as the slow passing memories evoked it. It had been living inside me for as long as I realised its existence, so much so that whenever it resurfaced, the only thing that I could afford to do was to take a deep breath. Release it. Inhale. Exhale. And the memories that reside in my head would play forth any random one of you – and I’d feel that ache.

But I still smiled when that particular bit replayed in my head – it was as if I have a stack of unarranged recorded tapes and my head would choose one at random to play over in my mind. That bit was when we were at the fast food restaurant with the twin golden arches, and I felt that faint hint of connection when we talked things out frankly. And that one time when we shared the single melting Baskin Robbin’s chocolate chip cone – I smiled longingly. When the thought returned to when we waged our Cold War with one another, my lips curled into a sad smile.

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Lately I’ve been walking towards the dark, back alleys in my neighbourhood and sat down with my knees up and my back against the wall, next to the pile of aging rubbish bins. The strong stench of rotten organics and dead rats permeated the air, and no one in their right mind would get 10 metres within the vicinity. But I wasn’t in the right mind.

I stopped there and got accustomed to filling my lungs with the foul air – have anyone noticed that no matter how ridiculously smelly an area is, breathe that air long enough and you’d be wondering why you complained about it in the first place. The alley was lightless and that one zone where mothers warn their children about robbers and sinister characters, but I didn’t encounter a single soul.

I sat within the darkest point of the alley, the shadows of the walls enveloping me in total darkness. There was no moon, with a handful of faint stars hanging against the vast landscape of the night sky like forgotten Christmas ornaments. Sitting there calmed my nerves and soothed that dull ache in my chest – my thoughts formed in absolute clarity as I peered into my soul.

Only once did I actually encounter anyone at all. A couple from the nearby pub wandered unsteadily into my alley, ignoring the filthy stench that lingered about like a bad dream – their senses probably dulled by their heavy inebriety. Their lips interlocked messily and slurped, his hands on her small delicate breasts, her hands groping his jeans. Their heavy breathing were loud enough to cover my own and they didn’t notice me – I was shrouded in the darkness after all.

The missus went on her knees, her long-flowing skirt shielding her kneecaps against the rough surface of the floor, unzipped his jeans and fumbled with his briefs, and took out his appendage of average size. I was still sitting down with my knees against my chest, and I watched them with as much interest as I would have over ants ferrying their food into their sandy nest. I watched their lustful endeavours, with an amused realisation that I was then a voyeur.

They reminded me of you.

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Did you remember that first e-mail I sent to you that started this all? I pondered over the appropriate words to use in my repertoire, rewrote that short paragraph several times again and again before I thought “Screw it” and went with whatever my heart felt was right.

To: [e-mail address omitted]
Subject: Hello

Hey.

It was nice meeting you earlier at Starbucks. Thanks for lending me your laptop charger when I forgot to bring mine. Can’t believe my luck that someone had the exact same laptop model as mine and had an extra charger lying around.

Can I get to know you more?

I clicked ‘Send’ with no hesitation without thinking of the repercussions that would follow, and didn’t expect a reply. But 5 hours later your e-mail came and caught me by surprise, half-expecting you to ignore such a corny little mail.

To: [e-mail address omitted]
Subject: RE: Hello

Yes sure. :)

That was the e-mail that started this spiralling mess of tangled emotions, of little purple slimes of jealousy, of my unwavering investment on you.

The pain in my chest gnawed against the surface, trying to claw its way out like a trapped, frightened gopher. I’ve now stood up by the shores of time, its immaterial waves gently cruising down every which way.

I made up my mind – my resolve was resolute. Without spending a second more on thinking I dived headfirst into time and swam back to when I was about to e-mail you. I had to stop myself from clicking that ‘Send’ button and shield myself from the confused hurt that followed; I had to stop myself from from knowing you, from pursuing you, from loving you.