The big D

Been feeling shitty for the past few days, reasons being quite mild but complicated, and I know that I shouldn’t get so down (in fact, a big reaction) to the problem I’m facing.

I signed for this hotel job – some of you might remember - and that manager said he’ll call my friend and I on Monday. So whoopeedoo we waited. And bought RM70 worth of uniform as well, as he asked us too.

I got several calls from various shops later after that, which I had rejected ‘cause I thought that hotel manager (hi Nirshan’s dad!) will phone us to inform us of the schedule (on Monday). Best offer I got was from Vincci, that shoe store, and I told them I already found a job.

So I waited on Monday. Nada. Tuesday. Nada. Wednesday..I was starting to get pissed and phoned his cellphone at least 20 times before I finally got through. And he told me, “after Deepavali [Indians’ celebration over here in M’sia, which is next week I think]”. And even that, it’s unconfirmed whether my friend and I would get the job.

Wow, was I royally pissed. Then that same friend who signed up for the hotel job got a job at Vincci.

Might be jobless this entire holiday season. I combed through 2 shopping malls and 2 neighbourhoods to ask if there are any vacancies at their shops. And when I got ‘em, I rejected all the offers I got.

Somehow, this pissed-off feeling got converted to some bouts of depression. And..I so dislike that.

So I supposed it’s called Depression. That huge sinking feeling that feels so horrible that I, at times, feel a bit crazy, can’t concentrate on tasks at hand, and I simply don’t feel normal. In fact if I’m quite weak-willed, I think I’m capable of doing absolutely insane things.

I felt the shittiest I’ve ever felt yesterday, and at night, after talking to myself as if in a soliloquy - sorting things out - in the loo, I feel so much better. Then I turned on some music - what I call as music therapy - looked at the lyrics, and felt insanely better. And actually had fun chatting till night and all.

Until..today. I woke up, felt like a robot and slowly that sinking feeling just took over. I had no control of it; it’s like a growing monster, a mutated pest that’s trying to sink my chest deeper and deeper with passing time.

I think I need therapy. Or just someone to talk things out to. I’m not sure how long I’m gonna feel like this..damn it.