ときどき

Sometimes I feel this intense urge to not exist. I wish to be bottled up like a scribbled message in a bottle and be cast adrift on the seemingly limitless sea. This disappointment boils forth like a twisted potion in a witch’s crooked cauldron, it bubbles and simmers and sparks fly from within. As of late I’ve been getting increasingly adept at controlling my emotions, so much so that I feel as if I’m restraining something that’s dying to be released – a pack of hungry bulldogs that’ll devour everything in its path, and I am their tamer. Control them too long, and these animals will turn on its master – me, the master of nothing. I’ve been adept at suppressing emotions I perceived as negative and I’ve been negotiating and promoting the growth of happiness, a hint of euphoria, a flick of candy-licking joy, to the point where all these purported euphoria I’m feeling feels fake.

Sometimes when I’m at an all-time high on the secretion of happiness I’d be pummelled down to this back street of forgotten addicts and the homeless – it’s natural, I’d like to think, a cycle of ups and downs not unlike our economy, where I’m taught by my kindergarten teacher the existence of failures at such a young age.

I’ve been disappointed today. I swear that within the compendium of existing human emotions, I rank this one the worst.

But tonight I shall sleep with Jason Mraz and his eternal inspirations in my head, with that Wang Lee Hom song of the reggae-ish spring rain tune, I shall live. Sometimes, I believe that when one disappoints you, another comes to your path and lifts you up to your feet. I found my another tonight, and this is me living for another day.

ときどき人間が本当に嫌いだ。

ときどき。